So, here it is. The very thing that I’ve been singing and dancing about. The very thing that I’ve been trying to shout about – and yet keeping to myself.
Today I can hardly move – it normally takes me 20 minutes to pack away my tent and stuff – today I’ve taken 2 hours so far and I’m nowhere near it. I haven’t even taken the tent down.
Walking helps – one foot in front of the other keeps the bad thoughts at bay – in the background, murmuring angrily away.
The thing is – denial is not the answer. These thoughts and feelings have been ready to pounce in my vulnerable moments and now here they are.
At first they came while I was sleeping. I know I was waking up screaming – I’m not sure if Derek heard, but Ella certainly heard my disturbed sleep.
Get walking…get walking…a simple mantra but it feels so far away today.
Today the images have me. Images of violent self harm, of a dagger plunging again and again into my face and my legs. Images of removing my lips, cutting out my eyes with a sharp blade – there’re there wether or not my eyes are open.
A ludicrous drive to take my own life. I will never succumb to this – never – but the paralysis I feel this morning is astonishing.
Today I have failed – I have failed in my childhood – effected by the death of my mum when I was 12, my fathers alcoholism and the sexual abuse I experienced. Somehow today I am responsible for it all.
The failure at work – my inability to do my job – my inability to appear to be a father to my 2 beautiful children. I see myself, off work, sick again, sitting on the end of the sofa looking into the middle distance, inaccessible.
I think of self harm – what kind of lunatic punches his own face, cuts himself and screams?
So seldom in the presence of others. I keep my social facade going so well so much of the time because this – whatever the fuck this is – its ridiculous – this is the stuff that the general public are afraid of – it’s what people don’t want to hear about – this is the unmitigated terror if it.
Welcome me into your house?
Walk a mile in my shoes?
I will be fine
This will pass – it always has