Small steps (2) 11th September 2013

No whizzes – no bangs. Yesterday went well, I think.

I walked around Ilmington for about 10 minutes. The world felt astonishingly loud – huge – bright. The air in my lungs felt different – cleaner – fresher.

But I did it – I even did a bit of filming – I spoke to a couple of folk – I got back and I felt, er, ok.

Today is the next step. A trip into Stratford upon Avon and a Chinese meal.

I can’t drive. My depth perception has all gone to pot.

Ella – positive – kind – supportive.

I imagined people – lots of people. Just walking, going about their business – shopping, maybe going to work, perhaps doing that holiday thing.

I’d imagined going into the restaurant – it’s familiar – the folk are friendly – the food is fabulous.

In reality we parked in a quiet car park – took the 2 minute jaunt round the corner and were met with smiling faces (my heart was pounding at this point) – we knew exactly what we wanted – me, ribs and Thai green chicken curry and sticky rice. Ella – ribs followed by chicken oudon – peanutty pasta.

The place was pretty empty – just me and Ella. I calmed internally pretty quickly.

As ever the ribs were magnificent and the curry was just a bit too much.

We got back in the car – we went home and I was ok.

I’d done it. Well, more to the point, we’d done it.

I was a little dazed. There was an option of going out in the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.

Tempting – but a little voice in my head said ‘Small Steps’.

There’s a whole mixture of stuff going on just now….

Just being in the moment…then thinking about the next thing – the holiday – the drive to the airport – the people – the process of getting on a plane and all that frippery….

The promise of empty beaches.

The thought of returning to the walk. Doing it quietly. But there are a bunch of people around the Wirral I want to meet….who’ve offered to walk with me…who’ve offered hospitality and a friendly word.

But – one thing at a time – small steps – we’ll get there.

Of course, there’s the talk to be done at barrow in Furness Mind. Now that’s just bread and butter to me….isn’t it? I need to be contacting universities to look at the possibility if lectures and wotnot.

Whoa there. Small steps.

I need new boots – what will it be like to walk again? I’ve lost some fitness.

I don’t need to rush. See some friends then break myself into it gently.

It’ll be fine.

Weirdly I’m missing the familiarity of dissociation. The world’s more real now – I’m in danger of feeling fine – borderline dandy.

What happens if….?

Shush now, small steps.

Walk a mile


This entry was posted in economy, hospitality, inequality, kindness, mental health, walking and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to Small steps (2) 11th September 2013

  1. Alan says:

    Chris, you are awesome . If you ever doubt it, your friends don’t.
    A Friend from Largs, Scotland .(Where I have to report it is raining, heavily).

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