No whizzes – no bangs. Yesterday went well, I think.
I walked around Ilmington for about 10 minutes. The world felt astonishingly loud – huge – bright. The air in my lungs felt different – cleaner – fresher.
But I did it – I even did a bit of filming – I spoke to a couple of folk – I got back and I felt, er, ok.
Today is the next step. A trip into Stratford upon Avon and a Chinese meal.
I can’t drive. My depth perception has all gone to pot.
Ella – positive – kind – supportive.
I imagined people – lots of people. Just walking, going about their business – shopping, maybe going to work, perhaps doing that holiday thing.
I’d imagined going into the restaurant – it’s familiar – the folk are friendly – the food is fabulous.
In reality we parked in a quiet car park – took the 2 minute jaunt round the corner and were met with smiling faces (my heart was pounding at this point) – we knew exactly what we wanted – me, ribs and Thai green chicken curry and sticky rice. Ella – ribs followed by chicken oudon – peanutty pasta.
The place was pretty empty – just me and Ella. I calmed internally pretty quickly.
As ever the ribs were magnificent and the curry was just a bit too much.
We got back in the car – we went home and I was ok.
I’d done it. Well, more to the point, we’d done it.
I was a little dazed. There was an option of going out in the evening to celebrate a friends birthday.
Tempting – but a little voice in my head said ‘Small Steps’.
There’s a whole mixture of stuff going on just now….
Just being in the moment…then thinking about the next thing – the holiday – the drive to the airport – the people – the process of getting on a plane and all that frippery….
The promise of empty beaches.
The thought of returning to the walk. Doing it quietly. But there are a bunch of people around the Wirral I want to meet….who’ve offered to walk with me…who’ve offered hospitality and a friendly word.
But – one thing at a time – small steps – we’ll get there.
Of course, there’s the talk to be done at barrow in Furness Mind. Now that’s just bread and butter to me….isn’t it? I need to be contacting universities to look at the possibility if lectures and wotnot.
Whoa there. Small steps.
I need new boots – what will it be like to walk again? I’ve lost some fitness.
I don’t need to rush. See some friends then break myself into it gently.
It’ll be fine.
Weirdly I’m missing the familiarity of dissociation. The world’s more real now – I’m in danger of feeling fine – borderline dandy.
What happens if….?
Shush now, small steps.
Walk a mile